How to Tell You’re Desperate for Friends and How to Fix It
Did you know that according to AIPC Counseling Connections, it has been estimated that approximately 60 million people in the United States, or 20% of the total population, feel lonely. That’s a lot of people who feel isolated despite the vast amount of the people on the earth, therefore you may know someone that suffers from loneliness or you may suffer on your own. The problem with loneliness, because I’ve been there before myself, is that enough of it will make you stoop to low levels to avoid it. By low levels, I mean that some people feel so lonely that they resort to paying for friendships, doing acts that are uncomfortable to them to satisfy friendships such as favors, sex, drugs, etc. Some people will even leave the company of other people because they fear of being ostracized by a group or family members.
The fear of loneliness can drive a person to put up with an abusive or harmful relationship just so they won’t feel the experience of having no one to turn to. Loneliness is a real thing, specifically Monophobia. Broken down into categories, ultimately this is a person’s fear of being by themselves in some way or form. Because of this, I feel that too many people do some excuse me… dumb a** mess to avoid being in that situation. I don’t want you all to suffer of go through unnecessary challenges, because the people around you may or may not be too scared to speak up, do right, or change their ways. If I see you making a fool of yourself because you don’t want to be by yourself, not only am I going to say…
“Oh, so I’m chop liver, huh?”
I’m also going to scream, “Get Your Life!” and roll my eyes.
We have got to think better of ourselves to seek relationships that feed us in return. We should not put ourselves in one direction relationships. I’m not talking about those cute little white boys, either. If you find yourself doing the most, breaking the bank, being uncomfortable, or losing friends because of your need to keep even one person in your life, check yourself at the door. Please.
No one should have to jump through hoops of fire, burning lashes and naturals, for real friends. That’s not what our lives are meant to be.
Below is a list of things that should warn you or your friends that they might be a little desperate to impress people and keep them in their lives. I also provide some solutions, because what’s criticism without a little constructiveness, right?
You Spend Money You Don’t Have To Do Things You Can’t Do.
If you spent money that you may not have been able to afford, or you gave away money that was not a loan just to keep someone around you, you may be a little desperate for friends. Anytime you give someone something, make it clear if you expect it back or if it was a gift to them. Otherwise don’t get upset at the investment. You paid for their time, you took the responsibility, or it was gift, whatever way you want to look at it. If you kept making it rain on someone, not because they asked you but because you wanted to show off or show out, then why would expect someone, even if they didn’t like you, to stop the flow? Keep your coins, especially if it isn’t a gift, money cannot buy love. Real friends either would appreciate it or reciprocate it, they don’t mess up a good thing. Someone who is really for you wouldn’t let you put yourself in a financial restraint under any circumstances, they would want to make sure you were good as well. How are we going to enjoy each other if we’re both broke?
You Find That You’re Canceling Plans, Flat-Leaving People, Or Neglecting Your Responsibilities
There is no good friend in the world that would diss old friends for new ones, so you should be ashamed of your fakeness. You don’t mess up your money, job, or relationships for anyone, I don’t care if the Carters invited you on their yacht. Will you have a job in the morning? I just don’t believe in ruining the permanent for the temporary, and in any new friendship everything is temporary until they’ve crossed that milestone of trust. By being desperate to keep people around you, you could potentially mess up everything else in your life. Fear of being alone shouldn’t put you in a position of losing a job and your other friends. That can’t be healthy. Stick to the scripts and let your new budding connections work around your life prior to their arrival. Don’t build everything around them.
You’re Accepting Physical, Mental, Emotional Abuse
No one deserves to get knocked upside their head, told how unworthy they are, or treated unfairly, no matter how bad they don’t want to be alone. I know plenty of friends that have allowed someone to come into their lives and prey on their insecurities because they were afraid to be by themselves. It’s unfair to you as a person to put yourself in a relationship that is poisonous, when you might as well be alone. If your friends aren’t encouraging and violence-free, then you aren’t being a friend to yourself by having those kind of people around you. Friends aren’t people that will hurt you physically, mentally, or otherwise. Get help if you need to get out of that kind of friendship. I wouldn’t settle for less if I was you, because you deserve much more.
You’re Friends With Someone That You Feel You Have To Compete With
Your friends shouldn’t be your competition. I can’t stand a person disguised as a buddy, friend, pal, or sister who always feels the need to low key compare herself to me. You shouldn’t hang out with anyone that has to size you up all the time. How can you enjoy your friendships, if you are always on the defensive, ready and prepared for shady comments, underhanded disrespect, or a joke at your expense? If you are in a friendship like that, especially if you’ve asked several times for it to not be that way, walk away. Friendly athletic competition is different than a friend going out of his/her way to make you appear inferior in front of other people. Real friends stay in their own lane and motivate you, not break you down.
You Are Willing To Deal With People You Don’t Like Because You Feel Alone
These are the worst offenders. They know they don’t like the people they are dealing with. They are fully aware that the relationship is toxic and harmful to their peace of mind. Nevertheless, they will continue a friendship with someone they can’t stand for fear of being lonely. These friends need to be brought into the light and told the truth like, “You are only friends with XYZ person, because you’re afraid to be alone!” Period. Why waste your time and energy on people you don’t like or have ill feelings about, for the sake of having a friend? It’s unhealthy for both parties and can lead to drama down the road. Nip it in the bud quick and early.
Overall, being alone isn’t the worst thing in the world. Of course you want friends and connections, but it’s never a safe idea to deal with people because you have insecurities about being by yourself. I always feel like if you’re afraid to be alone with yourself, then why should people want to spend time with you. You don’t even enjoy your own company! I realized a long time ago that I can’t buy real friend. I can’t bully people into liking me. I can’t continue putting myself in unhealthy situations which won’t make genuine friends appear out of thin air. Everyone deserves to have people in their circle who can look out for their best interest and they can do it in return. However, you have to determine if the friends you have are because you love and appreciate them or if they’re only around because that’s all you have.
Love yourself to know that the people who are supposed to be there for you will be, don’t hold on to unwanted or damaged friendships because you feel it’s better than being alone.
Check out my book “Flawesome …Because God Don’t Make No Junk!” where I talk about my challenges with friendships in the past and how struggled with most of these issues as well. We’ve all made mistakes in efforts to keep people around us. However, realizing that you are special and deserve genuine connections, puts a halt to toxic friends and you’ll see people who aren’t looking out for your best interest eventually fall off.